It is very difficult to be friends between a priest and a parishioner. The fact is that if we talk about a parishioner as a spiritual child of a priest, even if not according to the largest Hamburg account, then in order for a priest to truly be both a confessor and a friend, he must be a saint. Then, indeed, his human, ordinary life, in which friendship actually occurs, can in no way confuse or cast doubt on his quality as a confessor.
The fact is that in order for a priest to truly be a confessor, the parishioner must have great confidence in him. The depth of this trust and the depth of how much this parishioner will allow the priest into his soul may be different, but if there is no trust, then no clergy is possible in principle. Priests, like all other people, are far from ideal; they also have their own weaknesses, their own lives, which are not directly connected with divine services, with talking only about God, about some important spiritual issues. A priest in his personal life most often - a common person, who, if he does not commit any serious sins, then in his everyday everyday life, with his everyday conversations, jokes, can seriously disappoint a person who is looking for intimacy with him. And therefore, in most cases, when such a friendship develops and if the priest is truly not a saint, then this priest ceases to be a truly spiritual leader for this person. And this must be understood in advance - both by the priest and his potential friend. Because yes, such friendship is possible, but disappointment is almost inevitable.
And if a person overcomes this disappointment, if he has enough depth, fullness of soul, intelligence, and life experience, then such friendship can be very good and useful. But such a priest, I say again, as a rule, ceases to be a spiritual leader. Although he may remain an interlocutor and advisor.
Priest and old friends
I generally do not believe that childhood or youthful friendship, precisely as friendship, persists into adult life, with rare exceptions. I have acquaintances and friends with whom we studied at school or those with whom we studied at the institute. We still call each other or meet with someone once a year, with someone three times a year. But this is not friendship. This is a memory of friendship. It's good for us to sit together and talk about old times. We trust each other and if anything happens, we are ready to help.
Old school friends sometimes send me their children for serious conversations. And sometimes I communicate with their children more than with them themselves.
The way they accepted the fact of my priesthood has nothing to do with friendship at all. Many people from my past life My conversion to Christianity and my ordination were received differently. Some approved, some disapproved. Friendship has nothing to do with it.
We dismantle the Zhiguli
Serious friendships between adult men require a lot of time and a lot of trust. Although friendships can develop quite quickly. They are always friends for some reason. Someone makes friends about studying together or serving in the army. Some are interested in collecting turtles, others are interested in astronomy.
Friends go to the garage together to disassemble old Zhiguli cars, they are friends there about it. When interest changes, friendship ends. Women are friends, for example, about children. Children have grown up, friendship ends if there is no new reason for friendship. No, they have wonderful feelings for each other, they live well with these memories, they can congratulate each other on their birthdays, invite their grandchildren to the christening. But friendship is something alive now for both. Here are the grandmothers on the bench making friends. And it’s very painful when a grandmother moves to a new area, and her old friend is not there on the bench.
Priest and parishioner
I don't believe in friendship between men and women. It just doesn’t matter whether he’s a priest or not, whether she’s a parishioner or not. Men and women cannot be friends, with some rare exceptions: if she is a crocodile, he is impotent, and so on. And so friendship between a man and a woman always threatens to turn into love. I know people, I'm a priest. In principle, I don’t feel any romanticism in this regard. I have seen so much sin and see it continuously that how can I believe in something good here. Yes, there are priests, I personally know several people who divorced their wives, resigned from the priesthood, or vice versa, did not divorce, but live in fornication. There is no need to be friends with parishioners, especially with female parishioners.
The priest and the starling
All people go to work, really. Our communication, limited to our job responsibilities, is a working relationship. And when we went to the bathhouse together after work, it was friendship, well, friendship, at least. I understand friendship as broadly as possible - from light friendly relationships to deep and devoted ones friendly relations. And the priesthood is much more than just a job. And a priest, in general, should not be friends with any of his parishioners. He can and should understand their lives. They can communicate a lot and deeply. They can and should remember and support each other. But don't be friendly. I'm not saying they don't have the right, but it's better not to. In general, it’s better like a starling. He has a birdhouse in one place, and he gets food a kilometer from the birdhouse. Remember: “If you don’t have a dog, your neighbor won’t poison it, and there won’t be a fight with your friend if you don’t have a friend.” Having friends also means fights, if not physical, then at least some other things - quarrels, disagreements, showdowns. And it’s better that this doesn’t happen in the temple.
At a distance
Any leader needs to maintain distance. Not only spiritual, but even simply secular, administrative. As a rule, a director should not be friends with his employees. And the priest is the spiritual leader and, at the same time, administrative if he is the rector of the temple. He should not be friends with anyone in this sense.
I have several examples when I do not confess my friends myself, but send them to familiar priests if they do not have a confessor. But, as a rule, they have their own confessors. People who are friends with other priests confess to me, but they don’t confess to them.
Prepared by Oksana Golovko
The portal “Orthodoxy and Peace” and the independent service “Sreda” are holding a series of discussions about parish life. Every week - new topic! We will ask everything current issues different priests. If you want to talk about the pain points of Orthodoxy, your experience or vision of problems, write to the editor at [email protected].
Can a priest fall in love?
I always considered priests not vicious people, but this happened here. I invited the priest to bless the apartment, I went to confession with him, then there was a conversation about Orthodoxy, and after that I began to observe that he began to appear near me in the church, every time I came there, he would take out the cross, then he would start walking back and forth, attracting attention. ....And he is married and has a bunch of children and is about 17 years younger than me. He walks around and kisses the icon in front of me three times, and then runs circles....Tin. I understand that he wants to get closer and expects something from me, but I don’t want anything at all. I didn’t go for a while, I thought it would go away with him, then I came again on twenty-five. I won't go again again. I will pray at home for my Spirit and in my Spirit, the Gospel says the Temple is not in logs, but in ribs. This is the story that lasts the 6th month. God bless.
Love is a terrible force. Some people are lucky in life and experience it, while others are unlucky and complain all their lives that they invented it. Believe it or not, one of my single friends with 2 children preschool age a priest fell in love, I won’t tell you the details, it’s a bestseller.
As a result, he renounced his rank, divorced his wife and now lives happily, legally married, for several years with this woman / despite the blasphemy that God will reward... /. We are all human... But to live in mutual love, short life- this is happiness. Maybe a person’s destiny is to live life with love or for the sake of love! ?
The priest is the same person, he also has a heart and eyes, and why shouldn’t he fall in love... Everyone is subject to feelings.
An incident happened in my city, the priest met his first love and left his family and, of course, his service and went to her, what kind of love is that...
Maybe he's not human. I have a friend who fell in love so much that he left the Church where he was rector. They could have formalized their marriage without leaving the Church, but for some reason they did so, he continued to serve in the police and became a good cop, had children, in general, everything was as usual, and babysit grandchildren...
A priest can fall in love like all other mortals, nothing human is alien to them. But according to the canons of holy life, he must fight his feelings, get away from carnal pleasure, because this big sin, must kill his flesh with prayers and fasting and try not to watch how the lovely female buttocks sway. But often the opposite happens, he cannot kill the demon in himself and submits to earthly life, has mistresses, engages in drunkenness. And you don’t know whether God is punishing him or not, or whether all this is carefully hidden...
Of course it can, but why not?
Let’s take an Orthodox priest as an example. He should be married, in fact he is required condition. Can't he fall in love with his own wife? Maybe. Let’s say he once married her, but somehow there was no time for falling in love. The union took place on a spiritual basis. And a couple of years later I took it and fell in love. I didn’t look at it differently, from the other side. It seems to me that such a priest is not forbidden.
In addition, a word can be understood in different ways. It's not should and shouldn't. For example, I understand this: a priest is also not alien to something earthly, perishable. Including vicious loves, for example. The morality of a priest is one thing, but falling in love is another. Priests are also sinners, things happen to them too. He shouldn't have to do this. But maybe. He's a man. Sinful man.
Anyone can fall in love. But getting married depends on what religion this priest belongs to. Orthodox priests should even have a mother wife. But Catholic priests take a special vow of celibacy, called celibacy.
Every a living person in including a priest. Of course, he can fall in love. And what next? If his rank is one that does not provide for marriage, then everything is complicated. All his life he will drool if he likes a woman and not be able to have some kind of connection with her. Of course Well, there are all sorts of ways out of the situation and clergy with a rank higher than the priest get out of this situation. But, one way or another, he needs to leave his diocese for good reasons - to fall in love on the side where no one knows HIM, even to start a family there. But , imagine - what torture it is - to be tormented all your life by the consciousness that you are here, and your family, which you created without right, is somewhere out there. It’s easier - to remove this rank from yourself and get married. Only if you are a priest and priest - the same thing, then of course - you can get married. And if the rank, where it’s like an oath, is to be without marriage for the rest of your life, then I already wrote.
Wisdom and a willingness to listen are the qualities that invariably attract us in people. And they are the reason that girls and women fall in love with priests. Who, if not the confessor to whom you entrust your secrets, will understand and console? Who, if not the preacher, will say the right word at the right time? Going to church always brought you peace. but now everything has changed, and you ask yourself a thousand questions: I love a priest - what should I do? Is it possible to love a priest or is it a sin?
Is loving a priest a sin?
Your falling in love in itself cannot harm anyone. However, most likely, you will still have to sacrifice this love for the sake of your own peace of mind. Unfortunately, church requirements for Orthodox priests pretty harsh. They are prohibited from any extramarital relations with parishioners, an unmarried pastor is forbidden to marry after taking the priesthood, and a married one is not allowed to divorce or remarry (even if his first wife has died). This is explained by the fact that a priest should have only one love (meaning love for God), the priest must maintain moral purity and serve as an example for the flock. In other words, the passion and intrigue of the church minister should not concern him.
That is why your love is unlikely to find a response in the heart of a clergyman. You need to understand that a relationship with you may end in the loss of his church rank. A person who has chosen this share consciously will not give it up for the sake of a relationship with a parishioner. Therefore, your love, alas, is initially doomed to remain unrequited. Finding no way out, this feeling will gnaw at you from the inside, preventing you from living a full life. It’s a pity that you can’t stop yourself from loving a person! You will have to fight this feeling, but we are sure that you will be able to cope.
What should I do if I love a priest against my will?
You can’t command your heart, but if love has visited your heart, don’t kill it, but direct it in a different direction. Our tips may help you.
- We've already said this above, but it's worth repeating: don't expect reciprocity. For a priest to fall in love with a parishioner, in secular terms, is an official crime. Read also our article on how to cope with unrequited love (it will appear on the site soon).
- The saying “out of sight, out of mind” really works sometimes. While you feel forbidden love in your heart, try to avoid visiting your favorite temple. Every time you see the object of your passion, listen to him, talk to him, you add fuel to the tank of your love. Find another church that you can attend without having sinful thoughts.
- In your case, a simple piece of advice works best: talk to someone you like so much. Often such conversations can only aggravate the situation when the object of your passion does not understand well what he feels and wants. But the spiritual shepherd will listen to you with attention and give an answer with his inherent wisdom. Perhaps his words will be enough to completely correct the situation. And don’t be afraid that you will fall in his eyes or that he will lose respect for you, because guiding you on the right path is his task.
- If you fall in love with a priest, this may indicate that you have few close people who care about you, listen to you, and give instructions. You should take a break, fill your life with new people and activities. Find something to occupy your time - let it be church choir, charity, or something not directly related to your faith. Good deeds and communication with other people will bring you the sea positive emotions, in which your doubts will gradually dissolve.
I love the priest and I think it's mutual
It's a shame, but most likely you are mistaken. Some parishioners take the participation and care of the priest as an expression of romantic feelings. In fact, of course, the clergyman treats his entire flock with love, which is why he devoted his life to people. But this love applies equally to all parishioners and, of course, does not have a romantic connotation. If you have known your confessor for many years, he is much older than you - most likely, his feelings for you can be called fatherly, but this is not falling in love.
But what if you know for sure that your feeling is mutual? Let us return to the beginning of this article and recall that a relationship with you represents a huge temptation for a clergyman and can put an end to his spiritual calling. Therefore, even if you have learned about reciprocal feelings, be wiser and above temptation. Remember that even if no one finds out about your romance, church rules your lover must be anathema.
If you are a priest, then think about the fact that your happiness may become the misfortune of another woman. Would you like to be in her place?
However, we would like to end this article on a positive note. Remember that, first of all, we are all people, and love helps us make each other happier. History knows examples of how love glorified a priest - remember Pierre Abelard and his beloved Heloise. While bishop, Abelard Heloise, she bore him a son. This love contradicted all the canons of the church, but inspires poets to this day. Unfortunately, Eloise had no one to ask for advice when she realized that she had fallen in love with the priest. Or maybe fortunately?.. It's up to you to decide!
On the benefits of restrictions and the danger of substituting spiritual life–Archimandrite Markell (Pavuk), confessor of the Kyiv theological schools, teacher of asceticism.
Photo: © Natalya Goroshkova/Orthodox Life
– Father, on the eve of Lent we would like to talk about the benefits of abstinence and restrictions. Basically, fasting is considered as gastronomic abstinence, but we wanted to talk about abstinence of feelings and emotions. Let's touch on an old but relevant problem.
The problem of falling in love with monks and clergy is not new, is it? It existed a hundred years ago and earlier.
– This happened before, and it still happens in the Church today. For example, Metropolitan Nikodim (Rotov) recalled that when he was still a young hieromonk and served in one of the rural parishes, girls directly stuck to the windows of his house. They were wondering what the monk was doing in the evening. (Smiles.) This was the man’s temptation. He had to ask the bishop to be transferred to another place.
Archpriest Gleb Kaleda in his book “Home Church” calls girls and women who are attracted to monks or priests “Rassophiles.” He advises to fight this decisively, to put an end to such relationships, because they are not for the salvation of the soul for either one or the other side.
– What is the reason for such unhealthy relationships?
– We all need care, special treatment, love. The priest - a shepherd by his calling and obedience - tries to pay special attention to each person, to delve into the problem, to help sort out the troubles family relations and other issues. And such attention is often perceived in a distorted light.
Today, the problem of relationships is acute in many families. People cannot build a home church correctly. And when they come to the priest with their questions, especially if the priest is young and attractive, they open their souls to him. The shepherd finds the right words - and, willy-nilly, the person begins to be carried away by the appearance, beauty, voice, and various virtues of the clergyman. And this, in the end, leads to the fact that the parishioner ceases to hope in God, and relies solely on the object with which he is passionate.
– And he doesn’t come to the temple to God, but to this clergyman...
- Yes. And he is not looking for communion with God, but for communication with a specific priest. A catastrophe occurs—the substitution of Christ, the substitution of spiritual life.
These relationships are built not on some kind of selflessness, but on exclusively spiritual human feelings. And the worst thing is that they are perceived as a pure action of God’s grace.
– What examples are known from church history?
– Such a great saint as John of Kronstadt faced a similar problem. A circle of lovers, mostly female, formed around him. They ran after the priest in crowds and did not allow him to pass. It got to the point that they began to compare him with Christ, and there were even people who wanted to crucify the saint.
– How far does fanaticism go...
– A similar thing happened with Father Tikhon (Agrikov), the famous confessor of the Trinity-Sergei Lavra. Fans were literally chasing him. Thus, the KGB special services also deliberately provoked him to create a scandal. The priest had to hide from these women who provoked him and did not give him the opportunity to mind his own business and serve.
This is a sensitive, acute, difficult problem.
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky describes the story that happened to Hierodeacon Neil, a real monk of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. In his cell were kept the personal valuables of one fan, who helped him in every possible way and idolized him.
But there was also a second ardent fan. And one day, when the hierodeacon went to work, one of these women remained in his cell, and at that time another one came, who also had a key, and saw the first one lying in the monk’s bed. There was a scandal. One accused the other of stealing. There was a trial. These events were leaked to the secular press, which naturally gave rise to great temptation among believers.
– At that time, was Dostoevsky already a deeply church-going person?
- Yes. The turbulent youth has passed, the revolutionary passions have passed. Dostoevsky became an Orthodox believer with conservative views. He writes that the monk was deservedly booed at the trial, but emphasizes that God’s Providence is in everything: it’s good that this abscess has now opened up and Father Neil will no longer have to be cunning and lead a double life. He can repent or simply leave the monastery and serve in the world, without deceiving himself or others.
– Probably all priests have encountered this to one degree or another, especially young ones.
- Undoubtedly. Father Gleb Kaleda advises: “Don’t give a reason looking for a reason" If such temptations occur, then you need to immediately stop them and advise one or another parishioner to go to another church.
– It is important when the priest remains sober in this matter and does not fall into delusion himself. There are times when a monk encourages this feeling among his parishioners and bathes in it. He enjoys the attention. A monk needs spiritual strength to escape such temptation.
– Today’s difficult and unstable times leave their mark on all areas of life. The struggle to maintain chastity is especially important today. You need to understand that everything begins at the level of thoughts, and imperceptibly a person falls deeper and deeper into this quagmire. Therefore, one should not allow such attractions in one’s thoughts. You can't play with this like fire. Great is the responsibility of every shepherd for the souls he has destroyed.
– Disorder and chaos in the country brings disorder to souls. People are losing ground. What was previously unshakable - loyalty, purity - is now ridiculed and devalued.
- Why is this happening? Why do many people feel lonely, including in their families?
This is due to all of our inherent pride. We think that everyone owes us, that the husband/wife is obligated to show special love and care. At the same time, each of us forgets that we ourselves should give love, and not expect it from others, it is important to bring it to our loved ones and into the world ourselves, to sacrifice ourselves.
And where selfish relationships reign, a crisis ensues and total displeasure grows. There's no love there.
- Someone said that love has one verb - to give.
– Sacrificial relationships, dedication can only be formed on the basis correct faith in God, with an understanding of the highest meaning of love, and when faith is weak, then mistrust that arises because of some trifles quickly breaks family ties and people begin to look for hobbies on the side.
– And they deceptively consider this to be the highest love... Although, in addition, there is a selfish desire to receive attention from the priest to one’s person, to feel a special favor.
- This is charm, not love. If a person in love had thought about the soul of a clergyman, she would not have harmed him with her unnecessary attention and unacceptable affection.
- Ossified egoism is observed everywhere, we do not want to infringe on ourselves in any way. There are monks who lead a “glamorous life” worse than in the world...
– To modern man It’s hard to understand why you should limit yourself. I recently spoke with a priest who serves in one of the successful Western countries. He said: when he tells people that they need to fast, limit themselves, and humble themselves in order to overcome this or that passion, they get offended and some stop visiting the temple. People do not accept asceticism, although they agree that they need to do good deeds, engage in social service, but just do not deny themselves anything, do not limit anything.
The result is a large percentage of dementia and insanity. People who do not limit themselves in anything, who have no motivation to overcome themselves for the sake of spiritual growth, often go crazy. Here lies the main cause of the so-called senile insanity.
– Asceticism is unpopular these days and is considered archaic. How do you, a teacher of asceticism, manage to tell young people about the need for it today?
– I am teaching a course on asceticism, the introductory part is the rationale for the discipline and its functional significance. Orthodoxy is built on asceticism; this is the foundation. But, I repeat, today it is more difficult than ever to talk about asceticism.
Nobody likes restrictions. Living and not stressing is the credo of young people.
This false feeling of self-pity, destructive in essence, does not allow a person to develop.
And if a person does not limit himself in anything, he will inevitably become cruel, indifferent, incapable of compassion and rejoicing. And any relationship and his whole life then have an exclusively selfish character.
When a person ceases to distinguish evil from good, when he is fixated on his own person, he becomes sick and dangerous to society.
Interviewed by Natalya Goroshkova
